Respect allows discipline but when you discipline without respect you're begging to get bitch slapped and dismissed. Unfortunately, the other biological half of my children tried it and my first thought was BITCH!? YOU MUST BE CRAZY!!
I bet you're wondering how I got to this crazy situation in my life...Funny story.
(not really but that's how they do it in the movies)
When my oldest daughter was born everything was cool, her father was doing his best to be part of her life. As she got older I told him, by the time she's 5 she will understand who the important people in her life are by how consistent they are. He seemed to take that to heart and did his best. A few years later when I gave birth to my son I told him the same thing. Managing his time got a bit harder because he started working more, at first it was understandable but as my children grew up it began to be unbearable. He wasn't around as much, nor was he consistent. We had our quarrels about it, he would promise to do better but it kept getting worse. He flipped completely from the man I loved. Dealing with him was to know Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde way too personally.
We had long been done and I tried to move on. Time went on and eventually I cut him off because he started lying to the children about visits. Many times if he could not have sex with me or if he found out I was dating or in a relationship, he wanted nothing to do with the children. If we had an argument and I reminded him that we are no longer romantically compatible and I don't want to be, he would immediately cancel any plans to visit them. The woman he is with started calling my children out their name and they would have arguments in front of my kids in which they sometimes would bad mouth me. It went on like that for a while. Let's just say they're lucky no one was beat within inches of their life!!
My children began telling me they want nothing to do with him and begged me not to keep allowing him to blow chance after chance to do right by them. At this point, the excuse for not being present and accounted for was no longer work.
My Divine is a B-Girl and had a big dance battle performance that her father told her he would come to. We had given him a weeks notice of the event. He had hyped her up about him being there to see her perform, even apologized for his previous behavior. The day of the event came and he was late but she had not performed yet so I was ok. I text him to see if he was on his way. No response.
Finally, I decided to call. Divine had found me in the lobby after a cypher, asking if her father was here yet. She walked up on me just as he was saying "Yea Im up but Im watching football and its too late for me to be out anyway..." I had already been fussing at him and I have no idea how long Divine had been standing there before that or how much she heard before that. But she definitely heard that.
It is the saddest, most infuriating feeling to literally see your child's heart break into a million pieces right before your eyes. She tried telling him she hadn't performed yet so there was still time but he told her sorry maybe next time because it was too late. She did not understand that at all. To see tears form knowing there's nothing you can do to stop them and you're not fast enough to catch them all is one of the worst pains ever. I wanted to scream and cry too but I did my best to hold it in and suck it up. I hung up on the jerk, snatched my baby up into a real big hug and did what every head cheerleader mom does...I told her don't even think about that right now, you've gotta gotta go rock this performance!! You can do it!! And I'm going to cheer for you louder than anybody in there!! You're Awesome and We Love You!! It worked long enough for her crew to get a crazy loud standing ovation and applause but when we got in the car she never wanted to speak to her father again.
And for the most part we didn't. He's been outside the circle of trust ever since. We dont consider him family and hes the last person to be contacted in an emergency. The most he does is text in simple conversation and thinks he's still in the running for father of the year just for that.
Fast Forward To Present Day Where This Fool Forgot His Demoted Place...
Recently, Divine ended a difficult text conversation with him about trying out for volleyball. Because of the aforementioned incident, she told him she would not be inviting him to any games if she did make the team. He text back later and asked if she was done with homework, to which Divine replied "Why?"
Instead of answering the question, he decided it would be better to assert his dominance and demand she respect him. "You need to have some respect, you may not like me but watch your mouth. Im still your father you don't just say anything disrespectful out your mouth. When I ask you a question, I want an answer yes or no not why."
To which my Divine replied, "Why are you trying to be like that? I did not say anything disrespectful. You are not one of the people in my life that can do that you are not really in my life to discipline me."
Given the history and the fact this was a text message...Inside I fell out laughing but at the same time absolutely enraged.
I bet you're wondering how I got to this crazy situation in my life...Funny story.
(not really but that's how they do it in the movies)
When my oldest daughter was born everything was cool, her father was doing his best to be part of her life. As she got older I told him, by the time she's 5 she will understand who the important people in her life are by how consistent they are. He seemed to take that to heart and did his best. A few years later when I gave birth to my son I told him the same thing. Managing his time got a bit harder because he started working more, at first it was understandable but as my children grew up it began to be unbearable. He wasn't around as much, nor was he consistent. We had our quarrels about it, he would promise to do better but it kept getting worse. He flipped completely from the man I loved. Dealing with him was to know Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde way too personally.
We had long been done and I tried to move on. Time went on and eventually I cut him off because he started lying to the children about visits. Many times if he could not have sex with me or if he found out I was dating or in a relationship, he wanted nothing to do with the children. If we had an argument and I reminded him that we are no longer romantically compatible and I don't want to be, he would immediately cancel any plans to visit them. The woman he is with started calling my children out their name and they would have arguments in front of my kids in which they sometimes would bad mouth me. It went on like that for a while. Let's just say they're lucky no one was beat within inches of their life!!
My children began telling me they want nothing to do with him and begged me not to keep allowing him to blow chance after chance to do right by them. At this point, the excuse for not being present and accounted for was no longer work.
My Divine is a B-Girl and had a big dance battle performance that her father told her he would come to. We had given him a weeks notice of the event. He had hyped her up about him being there to see her perform, even apologized for his previous behavior. The day of the event came and he was late but she had not performed yet so I was ok. I text him to see if he was on his way. No response.
Finally, I decided to call. Divine had found me in the lobby after a cypher, asking if her father was here yet. She walked up on me just as he was saying "Yea Im up but Im watching football and its too late for me to be out anyway..." I had already been fussing at him and I have no idea how long Divine had been standing there before that or how much she heard before that. But she definitely heard that.
It is the saddest, most infuriating feeling to literally see your child's heart break into a million pieces right before your eyes. She tried telling him she hadn't performed yet so there was still time but he told her sorry maybe next time because it was too late. She did not understand that at all. To see tears form knowing there's nothing you can do to stop them and you're not fast enough to catch them all is one of the worst pains ever. I wanted to scream and cry too but I did my best to hold it in and suck it up. I hung up on the jerk, snatched my baby up into a real big hug and did what every head cheerleader mom does...I told her don't even think about that right now, you've gotta gotta go rock this performance!! You can do it!! And I'm going to cheer for you louder than anybody in there!! You're Awesome and We Love You!! It worked long enough for her crew to get a crazy loud standing ovation and applause but when we got in the car she never wanted to speak to her father again.
And for the most part we didn't. He's been outside the circle of trust ever since. We dont consider him family and hes the last person to be contacted in an emergency. The most he does is text in simple conversation and thinks he's still in the running for father of the year just for that.
Fast Forward To Present Day Where This Fool Forgot His Demoted Place...
Recently, Divine ended a difficult text conversation with him about trying out for volleyball. Because of the aforementioned incident, she told him she would not be inviting him to any games if she did make the team. He text back later and asked if she was done with homework, to which Divine replied "Why?"
Instead of answering the question, he decided it would be better to assert his dominance and demand she respect him. "You need to have some respect, you may not like me but watch your mouth. Im still your father you don't just say anything disrespectful out your mouth. When I ask you a question, I want an answer yes or no not why."
To which my Divine replied, "Why are you trying to be like that? I did not say anything disrespectful. You are not one of the people in my life that can do that you are not really in my life to discipline me."
Given the history and the fact this was a text message...Inside I fell out laughing but at the same time absolutely enraged.
BITCH WHAT!? YOU MUST BE CRAZY!!
Being a mom is hard enough but it's even harder when the other half of your children turns into a monster straight out of a nightmare whenever he is actually present. Sometimes we just don't want to believe when people show us who they Really are!! So we make the mistake of giving them chance after chance, hoping there's still some good to be saved and nurtured. Because of our hope we sometimes hurt our children in the process instead of protecting them from toxic people, even if it's their other biological component. We are trying to heal our broken heart, steady working to give to give them 2 parents instead of just one but end up neglecting our children's broken hearts. Many of us come to our senses and do what we should've done in the first place...Protect them like the fierce Mama Bears we can be. They're the ones that get hurt and messed up when the smoke clears. I've learned the only way to really heal is to love them more than you hate the person that hurt them and love myself that much more too.
Rest assured, I told him never in his pitiful, narcissistic, mediocre, inconsistent destructive excuse of existence should he ever step to my children to discipline or demand respect. Respect is earned, not given. I told him go find a corner and have a seat with that bullshit. With some extra support from my Dad and the positive black men I have surrounded myself and my children with, I understand that no one and nothing comes to my child but through me. That is my God given duty as a parent, to be a filter for them and if something happens to get by, it will get dealt with, dismissed and disposed of. Unfortunately, the other biological half of my children has yet to mature into understanding that actions have consequences. My Divine was not asking Why to be a smartass, she was asking Why is it of any concern to him when he has been, inconsistent, absent and destructive to this point of her life? Why was he talking to her as if he has established authority? He was more upset because his ego took a hit and he does not have an answer to that question. He actually said to me "Its not about me being there, it's about respect."
So much damage has been done its hard enough to attempt to stay in loose contact with their father but for him to suddenly demand so much respect that he has never had for them or their feelings is absolutely outrageous!! He no longer holds that special place reserved for father. As time goes on, if he does not make amends and build the right way, I'm not sure he ever will. Bullying his way into their life certainly won't work either. Sometimes you have to know your place and Stay In It...dig your grave and lay in it.
I don't care who you are, a title ain't shit if the story doesn't match.
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